This One Is About ME

I've moved in with my Grandma for the month of August, to keep track of her habits and patterns. I've started a blog about her, but am starting to feel the need to put my feelings down somewhere. I want her blog to be an accurate representation of what's really happening to her, but I just looked in the mirror and realized I need a place to vent.

I struggle with trying to look strong. I don't want anyone to look at me and say, "This is too much for you. You need to quit." Partly from pride, and partly because this is one of those things in life that you have to stick with, even when it's hard. Like raising teenagers, I suppose.

Yesterday, Grandma went off on a rant about NOT GOING TO OKLAHOMA!, and I felt my anxiety start up, and was somewhat taken over by it. I was fine until that moment. I don't mind repeating myself over and over, I don't mind reminding her to take her meds, or telling her what day it is. What stresses me out to the very end of my reserves is this notion that we are taking everything away from her.

So do we just halt and not do it? No. We can't. The stories in her blog make it clear that she can't live alone anymore. I recently watched a documentary on YouTube about Alzheimer's, and one of the patient's daughters said, "You can be mad at us all you want, Mom, but at least we know you're safe." I agree in my head, but this tears my heart out.

I love this woman. I always have, I always will. I think this is the first time in my life that I've had to really practice "tough love", and do something that makes her violently unhappy, because I know it's ultimately for her good. I tend to be very swayed by what others think of me, or what they're feeling toward me. It's quite an exercise to set that aside right now.

And it kills me to know this is going to anger, hurt, frustrate her. I hate that more than I can say. I would do anything in the world to keep her from ever experiencing any kind of pain, but, as my therapist has told me, we're saying NO for a better YES. No, Grandma, you can't live alone anymore, but Yes, Grandma, you will be safe.

So I just put on earrings, lipstick, eyeliner, and mascara. I'm hurting inside, but I don't have to look like I've been up all night snorting coke. Because that was two nights ago. (ha)