My poor MIL. Really. We're chatting along happily the other day and it went something like this:
"I'm excited about our new house!"
"Yeah, that's going to be so nice to have."
"I hope to get settled and finally make some friends..."
"Oh you will. You'll find some at church, and then when you have kids you'll meet other moms..."
"I WILL NOT BE DEFINED BY MY CHILDREN! I HAVE A LIFE AND I DO NOT INTEND TO BE CONSUMED WITH MY CHILDREN!" And some disparaging comments about Mommyville and big bags with stupid duckies and a long rant (at an inappropriate decibel) about not being obsessed with my kids.
Oh maybe not quite like that, but that's how it feels in hindsight. (Sorry, A.) But there is a deep-seated fear, and it's a button of mine. The origins are more than likely a few moms I've known/observed along the way. You've seen them, the Michelle Duggar-esque moms. Their purpose in life is their children. I suppose this does work for some people, and bless their hearts, but I've never been wired that way. For some reason, though, that's heralded as the "right way" to be a mom. Be Mom and only Mom.
Years ago, I knew a girl from a large, (10+ kids, all home-schooled) blended family. Her mom told me once she encouraged her girls to get married ASAP. Well, if I had that many kids at home all day, yes, I'd want them out of my house as soon as their little wings could carry them away. But her perspective wasn't one of, "spread your wings and fly" but more from the "go make more babies" perspective. Her daughter had secret dreams of going to college. I don't know if she told her parents, but when she'd tell me, there was always this air of guilt for thinking she could do something different than get married and have babies. It made me so sad. She married very early (19?) and is now having her first child. I think she's 20 (if that), and I'm guessing college is a no-go. Her brother is 23-ish an on his 3rd child.
NOTE: This is not to discount young marriages or young mothers across the board. This is to disparage the notion that women are baby machines and nothing more.
On the flip side, there was a controversial article written a few years back by a woman who flat-out said, "I don't like being a mom. I love my children, but being a mom is not at all what I thought it would be and I really don't like it." Or something like that. She mentioned how kid-centric we've become and how bad that is for kids. I secretly agreed.
I had a talk with a friend last week who is about 2 months pregnant. She's excited to have a child, but told me it's definitely God's timing. She's a lot like me - there's always one more project, one more business idea, one more event to plan... And she said she's always known that she'd be pregnant in God's time because it would never be her time. We had a long talk about how to find the balance between being a goal-driven, working mom and a woman who has nothing but her children filling her identity. Neither are appealing, but either you resign to daycare and success, or you set aside everything you are as an individual and become Mom. There has to be a balance in there, and she and I are on the same trek to find it.
I fully intend to love my kids with all the intensity of a devoted mother. I also fully intend to be Libby and carry cute bags and wear bright colors. I intend to work from home (yes, it can be done and I refuse the "counsel" of naysayers), I intend to keep up with my hair, and should I get back into running, I intend to keep that up too. I know plenty of women who are doing this, so I know it can be done. I know the amount of time I put into these things will have to adjust, but they won't disappear completely.
Something makes me feel like I need to be defensive about this. "I promise to be a good mom while still working and being myself. Really! I will!" But what about this? "I promise to be myself and keep up with the person I've become over the years while still being a good mom. Really! I will!" Do I want my kids to know me? Totally. And they won't if I disappear when they arrive. I would be heartbroken if my kid asked me how to draw something and I said, "Oh let me see... Hm... I haven't done this in years, but if I remember correctly..."
3 comments:
There def is a balance to be struck, and I'm not sure what it is. The one thing that has SHOCKED me about motherhood, tho, is the sheer emotion of it--things I never expected to feel, I'm now feeling.
So now when I ready mushy stuff kid-centric moms write, although I still don't agree with the approach they are taking, I at least understand why they are taking it.
I've yet to read anything that shows me exactly how to strike that balance. The kid-centric moms obviously don't get what we are trying to achieve, and the "balanced" moms each seem to carry their own small amount of guilt.
So, what's that they say about closing your eyes, taking a deep breath, and just making the jump? I'm in freefall.
There's been a lot of press lately on recent polls where women report less happiness in the last 30 years than before the 1970s. Of course the anti-feminist groups are jumping on it and saying, see, look what happens when you leave the comfort/security of the home!! Blech. Some feminists are attributing it to underreporting of unhappiness of men (because its not manly to admit you're overwhelmed and kind of depressed) plus the fact that most men have NOT picked up any slack in helping care for the household while their wives are also working outside the home.
SO, all that to say, I think it comes down to TEAM playing with spouses. Families, and women, especially who balance their personal and family lives work together as a team, with encouragement and support and communication. I think kids love to see their mommies happy and fulfilled, even if it means they don't log as many hours in their presence. Not to mention the life lesson that you, junior, are not the center of the world, and my adult life is worth pursuing and enriching.
Of course, dropping off your kids with anyone leaves you with a little twinge of guilt, it cannot be helped. You GREW that little person in your body and they are like an extra appendage.
There are definite CONS to bringing children into your life, into your marriage. And people who choose to go that way report higher levels of happiness. BUT to most of us, having children brings a level of joy and satisfaction unlike anything else, and wouldn't be missed for the world.
Love you, and know you'll be an amazing balancer (and freak out moments are okay). :)
Ah, comments from two women who came to mind while I was writing that post as "cool moms". Thanks, girls.
I promise to freak out. And like my dad said, being a good mom is an every day decision ("Libby, look at the SPOT and not the WHOLE APPLE"), not something you can plan out up front. Sure, I have ideas on how to do it, but I probably won't really know until I'm knee-deep and saying, "this is how I'm doing it today." Yep, I'll screw it up sometimes, yep, I'll be totally off balance sometimes. That's why there's tomorrow. And the next day, and the next day.
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